A not very geeky post
My name is Leslie and I had a miscarriage. This is not my first miscarriage, this is my 4th. You know how they tell you that things get easier the more you do them or the more they happen? That is a lie. This never gets easier. The disappointment gets harder and more painful.
I’ve had a miscarriage and not a lot of people know. A lot of people will continue not to know because I am not advertising the blog post at all. But I need to write it. Someone may find it and find it therapeutic.
I found out I was pregnant the day before I was set to go on a cruise. We were excited and scared. As I have said I have miscarried before. But you know what? I made it through. I made it an entire week on that cruise with no issues, no pain.
Two weeks after I got home I started bleeding. With the scant amount of blood, the doctors weren’t worried. The baby was measuring younger than they thought it should, was I sure of the exact date of my last period? Yes I am sure. I track it like whoa. Hmm. The bleeding is scant, and we see a heartbeat, bleeding sometimes happens. About half the women who bleed lose their baby. Guess what? I am in that half now.
The world doesn’t stop spinning when you miscarry. You still have work, you still have people you may need to take care of. Life is still there, even when your mind isn’t. You feel guilty for leaning on your partner who is going through this loss as well. Who is hurting as well but would never tell you because they feel your hurt is greater than theirs.
Because I have had a baby at one point, my clothes started to get snug quicker than the first time. I excitedly ordered maternity clothes. I took them back today. They were unopened, unused. The look in the cashier’s eye said it all. I looked a wreck. She knew why I was returning. She wanted to empathize. I just wanted to leave. I wanted to run out of this store proudly displaying tank tops with cutesy sayings about being pregnant. I just wanted to go. I knew it would be like this going in there. I didn’t want to go in there, but Destination Maternity has some shitty policies about returning clothes. It was either that or pay even more shipping to ship it back.
My name is Leslie. I have had a miscarriage. It doesn’t get easier. It gets harder. I’m hurting, but I am doing the best I can.
Healthy Diet= Healthy Hair
As my readers, I feel that we have a relationship. We can laugh together, we can cry together, and I can tell you anything. So I am here to tell you something...
I am a junk food ADDICT.
I love candy, chips, cake, and pie. I will be the first person to admit it.
A couple of weeks ago I made mention of the fact that my husband and I are making a bit of a lifestyle change. Re-reading the entry, I realize I did not make mention of the fact that we are changing our food habits as well. Out with the chips, cookies, chicken nuggets (mmm, nuggets), fried cheese, and in with healthy eating, moderate portions, and finding delicious and healthy snacks.
I know there are some people out there reading this and groaning and thinking with drastic measures such as these, I am doomed to fail. But I don't think I am... and I will tell you why.. I love a challenge. I like the idea of trying to find something as delicious as my beloved salt and vinegar potato chips, but healthy. For me fixing the hubs healthy snacks is kind of easy. I can add seasonings to nuts for him, and BAM instant salty craving satisfied. It is not as easy for me. As an adult, it seems that I am developing food allergies. As a kid I never had any problems with food. Now everything makes my throat swell up and itch. So far: Soy Milk, almonds, and pistachios. There is more on that list, but that is what i can come up with right now.
Though we have only been doing this for maybe three weeks. I can tell a difference in my hair. It doesn't dry out as fast, and doesn't feel like straw. The hubs was commenting on the length of it last night. I can't wait to see further down the road what this lifestyle change has in store for my hair.
Swimsuit shopping and Banding
I am going to be honest with you. I haven't owned a swimsuit in possibly 5-6 years. Why? I'm fat, I live in the Midwest, and.. well, that's about all. When it gets hot, I don't go to the pool to cool down. I sit in the house. In the blessed air conditioning. With my dogs.
Things have to change though.
You see, I have always been an active person. Whether it be shopping, working, and cooking, I was always doing SOMETHING.
That has come to an end here recently. I've gotten so big that it has sapped my energy. It hurts to even move. I can't shop because within 30 minutes, my back aches like I just walked 20 blocks.
Things have to change.
Today my husband and I joined the YMCA. I am going to start out swimming. When I have lost enough weight I will work on the machines. I want to be fit and able. I want to be able to have kids. When I do have kids, I don't want to be the bump on the log that parks them in front of the TV.
Things are going to change.
So, with the whole swimming gig, that means I need a swimsuit. It is incredibly late in the summer apparently to be swimsuit hunting. I first started at Wal-Mart.
...I know... I KNOW! But I was there... and it was a good thing I was there too.
There was a teenage plus size girl crying with her mom.
Apparently the girl was upset that the only thing available at Wally world was bikinis. She was feeling fat and unloved. (haven't we all felt this way?) She tugged at my heart strings. I did the only thing I could do in a situation like that; I spoke to her.
"Uh.. excuse me?"
the girl looked up at me mortified. "My name is Leslie..uh... I couldn't help but overhear you having issues with the swimsuits. I'm plus sized too...but, you are smaller than me, and I know for a fact they have a couple of great swimsuits here in your size that will not show a whole lot of skin." I pulled two random pieces from the rack. One was a skirted piece and the other was a halter piece that came to the edge of the skirt. Her mom thanked me and she ran off to the dressing room. There wasn't much there for me (very slim pickings) so I left and went to Fashion Bug.
People, before I continue further, I need to let you know that it is the hottest day of the year. I don't sweat and I AM SWEATING. The walk from Walmart to my car culminated into me being a big hot sweaty fat girl. Don't you just LOVE that visual.
I get to Fashion Bug and walk in. Fat, blobby, sweaty and ugh. The sales lady was nice to me either way. I explained I needed a swimsuit and she frowned.
"We don't have many left, but I will show you what we got." She leads me to a rack of swimsuits and I begin digging. LO AND BEHOLD! I spy a gem of a swimsuit. In my size! that looks decent! OMG!!!! I go up to pay.. AND IT IS EVEN FURTHER ON CLEARANCE!!! This damn swimsuit is like 10 bucks. I must stop this story.. and do the robot.
*does the robot*
I am ready YMCA. Bring it ONNNN!!!!!
In natural hair news, today I have decided I am going to band my hair. I will take before, during and after photos of the whole thing. I am excited.
Today's hair outlook is kind of bleak. I conditioned and moisturized my hair within an inch of its life. I don't know if it is the heat or what, my hair feels horrible. It feels like straw.
I went today to purchase bands and a wide tooth comb so that I can comb the conditioner through my hair when I am deep conditioning tonight. While I was at the store, I came across a darling hair accessory. It is a pink flower with a crystal gem on it. It has three small plumes of feathers on it. I have a wedding to go to this month and have been looking for something like this. YAY!!! It was really inexpensive too. It was 1.99 I will take a picture for my banding entry and put it up there.
Now I need to go read about all the fun stuff the Y offers. I want to get strong enough to take a Zumba class!
Espionage Cosmetics
