How many times should you dust yourself off and try again?
Whew Chilay. It has been a week year. I don't even know where to begin with this.
I talked a little bit about this on Instastories earlier today. I graduated from college in 2008. That means I have been in the world of Information Technology for 11 years. 11 long, thankless years. For those of you that do not know, my major was computer information technology with a specialty in Microsoft Networking. I've never used the Microsoft Networking portion of this degree because does MS even deal in networking? Who knows. After working crap jobs for so many years, I kicked off my IT career doing help desk.
I've worked some form of help desk over the years, working my butt off, striving to do better and be better than I ever was *cue Pokemon song* but it seems like I could never get ahead. A few years ago I wrote a blog called When a Geek is Fed Up. It detailed some of the abuses I dealt with in a large corporate environment. I got away I was free and life was good.
Until it wasn't.
It seems no matter where I go or what I do, I can't seem to get ahead or get promoted. When i first started out in my field I understood. I worked for a tiny company. There was nowhere to go, nowhere to promote me to. I eventually worked up the nerve to ask for a raise and title change. I was told no, because my manager at the time didn't believe in different titles (which confused me to no end, but whatever). The environment I was in when I wrote 'When a Geek is Fed Up' was absolutely toxic. I applied for a position that would have been a promotion and I nailed the interview. I was what they were looking for. I found out later that the person that I was interviewing with, the person that would have been my manager actually wanted me for the position, but it was a good ol boy system and he was pressured to hire someone else. Namely my supervisor at the time who wasn't even eligible for the position at the time (he had just gotten a promotion and should not have been able to take another position for at least a year).
Why am I writing about this? Because it has happened again. I applied for a position I am qualified for. It would be a good jump for me, pushing me further in my career. It was with the same company I am currently with. I was hopeful and excited. The first month.
Two months after I applied they finally interviewed me. I thought the interview went well. I was to go on vacation a month after the interview but I figured I would have an answer by then. I was wrong. Two months after the interview, still no response. At this point we are 4 months past the point where I applied. Another two months pass. I finally got a "we're going with someone else."
Six months. It took me 6 months to get a rejection from a job in a company I work in. And what's more, I got the rejection while I was at work. This may sound strange as if I would get a response after work, but I was applying for a department. They are in another state. They typically call me after hours to let me know news. I then had to make it through another 4 hours at work without crying rage tears.
I know some people can suck things up and move it along to the next opportunity, but it honestly feels like I am drowning. I enjoy the people I work with, but my job duties have changed so much in the past three years, that I no longer recognize this position. There is no longer any joy in it as half the time I have no clue what is going on. I am disinterested. I want to focus on what I actually want to do for a career. How do I do that, when I can't even get a foot in the door of a company that knows my work ethic? It feels like I will always be slowly scrabbling at the ladder and I am so tired of it.
Thirty and Nerdy
Just twelve days in for my thirtieth year, and my life has taken one of the most amazing, mind blowing turns I ever could have imagined. Not really, the most exciting thing I accomplished today was doing household chores. The magical transition into thirty didn’t change anything that I thought it would, and honestly, that’s really okay.
When I turned twenty-nine last year, I began to panic a bit looking at my life knowing that it was nowhere near where I had imagined it to be. Thirty to me was a milestone, a point in my life where things should have been figured out. I had started a list of what needed to be done, so that maybe the last six years have meant something. I needed to become completely independent and get my own place. I needed to get a car that wouldn’t constantly fall apart on me. I wanted to finally finish the first draft of the damn novel that I have been trying to write for the past three years. I also put “maybe start dating” on the list, but for those who know me very well know that dating has never really been a concern for me ever. I just thought that I was supposed to have some kind of headway in that department by thirty.
I didn’t get everything figured out in time for my birthday, but I did hit a few. I did manage my own place and had a reliable vehicle thrust upon my person regardless of want, but these really only happened in the last couple of months. The novel is still sitting in the early stages awaiting real time for me to commit to it. As for dating, not so much. When I woke up the day after my birthday, I realized that it all didn’t really matter. I am pretty happy in general with who I am and where I’m at. It is by no means perfect. I want to write full time, but since it doesn’t pay the bills yet, I have to work. The dating thing has never been something that I have felt the need for. I’ve always felt that if it happens then it will. In the meantime I have things to do.
Those I guess would be the things that people would probably point their finger at me for and try to call me a failure. I could get called out on those or my weight or even my nerd tendencies. As responsible as I strive to be and feel I am, I am a very much a kid at heart. I believe that it balances me. If I wasn’t I would probably not be any fun for anyone. The flip side of that coin is that I could be considered immature because I still watch cartoons or that I wear t-shirts with comic book characters on them. We as people need this kind of fun to balance out the responsibility. Being too serious and over worked is hard on a person’s system, and mindlessly indulging the inner child at all times doesn’t allow for any growth. Thus you need to find the balance.
My parents recently came to visit, and my mother wanted to take me out and get a few things for my apartment for Christmas. I told her that I wanted a doormat, a shelving unit, and a clock. Pretty practical, right. Well when we got to the clocks I choose a Star Wars clock that has the original Star Wars cover as the main canvas of the clock. My mother checked, as she always does, if I was sure that I wanted it, and I said yes. I didn’t want a boring clock. I wanted something that would make me smile when I looked at it. My mother may have made a different choice for herself, but she knows that this is how I work. With a slight shake of her head and an amused smile on her face the place the clock in the cart.
Thirty isn’t scary, nor is it really any different from any other month I’ve lived through this year. I didn’t have to throw out my Buffy DVD’s or sign up for an online dating site in order to immediately get married and have children. There is no specified plan for this particular age. I am still me and don’t foresee it changing anytime soon, and least of all for some silly number. I am still a nerd girl and damn proud of that. Thirty-one isn’t going to change that either. I will continue to plan on being me. I really should have never questioned it in the first place. I perceived an expectation from society, and it just doesn’t work for me. I have no business trying to force myself into a mold that I have long decided was not for me. You know what I bought to commemorate this momentous birthday? No fancy jewelry for this girl. No, I bought myself a photo op with Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki at the next Supernatural convention. How’s that for thirty and nerdy?
Espionage Cosmetics
