Seven

Directed by David Fincher

Starring: REAL ACTORS!! Brad Pitt, Morgan Freeman, Gwyn Paltrow, and Kevin Spacey

The movie is a psychological thriller/horror/ cop drama. It takes place in New York City. A serial killer is on the loose and is taking his wrath out on random hoards of people. Pitt and Freeman try to piece together the connections. Why this guy? And this one? The chase around the city trying to connect the dots and they find some Biblical connection. The murders seem to have a connection to the seven deadly sins. The chase around and try to find him before he kills more. The connections are being made when the unthinkable happens… he surrenders. He says that he will reveal the last 2 murders if the cops follow his commands.

The twist is good , the acting is better and this one I do not want to spoil. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you. Go rent it now.

This movie gets 4 ½ bloody hand prints.

The Crazies

Directed: Breck Eisner

Starring Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell and crazy towns folk

OK, so I have been slacking on these but I’m about to blow your mind. (Spoilers everywhere)

Set in middle America, a police officer and a doctor live the happy life, in a small town. It is the start of spring and the whole town is at the local baseball team’s opening day. While enjoying the swell efforts of the home team, something goes horribly wrong. A normal family man walks in from the outfield. The pitcher was doing fine, so it wasn’t a pitching change. Besides a lefty was coming up to bat and can hit a slider. This guy coming in from the outfield looks like he couldn’t close the refrigerator. (boom) The other odd thing was the man was in his 40’s. Oh yeah, he has a shotgun. So the sheriff walks out to the outfield and asks the man to politely leave, by shooting him in the face. This causes quite a stir in the small community. They thought he was just drunk, but here is the big twist……he was a recovered alcoholic. He hadn’t had a drink in years.
The doctor has another seemingly normal family man come in for a check up and something is not right with him either. He has been attacked by the evil plaid monster and he seems sick. Later that night, the craaaaaaazy man goes out to the barn and starts his combine, but its not even harvest . Things are getting nutty. The mom rushes out to the barn, then back in the house, then into the closet. So the man burns the house down. What is going on? The suspense is getting intense. This is followed by hunters finding a dead pilot in the woods. But there isn’t an airport around. No, no this doesn’t make any sense. So now more people are turning into crazy zombie like creatures. They were victims of a government experiment went wrong.

This movie was though it was set in the 1950’s, but with guns, cars, cell phones, and techmollogy. SO this movie had no real great moments. It had some gore and some shooting and a decent car wash scene, but overall you are better off watching a real zombie movie or 28 Days Later.

I give this movie 1 ½ bloody hand prints

Genre: Family

Director: Gil Kenan

Screenplay: Dan Harmon, Ron Shrab, and Pamela Pettler

Starring: Steve Buscemi, Catherine O’Hara, Fred Willard, Jason Lee, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Mitchell Musso, and Sam Lerner.

DJ is noticing something very strange about the house across the street. The house seems to have evil intentions, and people are disappearing after they go near it. Along with his friend, Chowder, DJ decides to confront the house before anyone else falls victim. He’s just not sure if he’s going to make it out of the house, either.

There are a couple of reasons why I give this movie a big outstanding. The first one is the animation itself. This is one of the first films I’ve seen where the cinematography of an animated film has taken a step further to really replicate that of a live action film. The lack of this doesn’t make an animated film necessarily bad. I am assuming that focus on this type of cinematography adds more frames to the budget, and computer generated animation is not cheap. For example, there is a scene where DJ is playing basketball. The detail and care that is added to the scene is fantastic. There was many a time where I wondered if the film was originally planned as a live action film, but maybe it would have more expensive to make the house animation seem real.

The second reason is the story. The characters were so well rounded that it would always make me laugh. I kept comparing this movie to The Goonies as I watched, which is one of the best family movies ever. The same care and detail that was put into the animation was also put in the story. It is a great family movie, but I should mention that the story is a little more mature than for younger audiences. I do not mean that it is mean or inappropriate, a little more developed and may not hold interest for children.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: The Craft

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Director: Mary Harron

Screenplay: Mary Harron and Guinvere Turner based on the novel by Bret Easton Ellis

Starring: Christian Bale, Justin Theroux, Josh Lucas, William Defoe, and Reese Witherspoon

Patrick has everything: success, money, and the perfect girl. What more could he need? Apparently, he also needs murder, and lots of it. Driven by his need for perfection, anything that doesn’t make the cut has to be destroyed.

However disturbing this film is, it makes up for it with being phenomenal. This film should have been Christian Bale’s first Oscar nod. His performance alone carries the entire movie. I warn you that it can get pretty gory, but Christian Bale’s character keeps you wanting to watch more and more to try and figure the character out. One moment his character is butchering a woman and the next he’s arguing passionately about the greatness of Robert Palmer. The movie is a train wreck, that you are continuously compelled to watch.

Sadly, you would think that if I like this movie so much I would have more to say, but I don’t. It is really just based on Mr. Christian Bale. The writing isn’t that bad either, but it doesn’t hold a candle to Bale’s acting performance.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Monster House

Genre: Horror

Director: James Wong

Screenplay: Glen Morgan, James Wong, and Jeffrey Reddick

Starring: Devon Sawa, Ali Larter, Kerr Smith, Sean Willam Scott, Amanda Detmer, and Kristen Cloke

As Alex is waiting to board a plane to France with the rest of his classmates for a school trip, he has a vision of the plane blowing up. He shakes it off and boards the plan, but when small things play out just like his vision, he realizes the plane would indeed explode. He causes a scene and tries to get everyone off the plane. Only a few of his classmates and a teacher get off with him, and they become the lone survivors of the crash, that is until the survivors seem to be killed off one by one by an unforeseen force. Alex starts to have more visions of his fellow survivors’ deaths, and he strives to stop what’s trying to kill them all.

I have always liked this movie, because it had an interesting story. Sure people were getting killed off in imaginative ways is this film, but it was who was doing the killing and why that made this a better horror film. The story plays with the theme of cheating death and whether or not that is indeed possible. I would like to believe that it is because of the story that three sequels were spawned, but alas, that is not how Hollywood likes to work. If the only reason for a sequel to be made in the land of horror was due to the original being top notch, we wouldn’t have nearly as many horror movies. It would be such a shame if Saw V was never made. Please insert a sarcastic tone with that last sentence. As much as I like this film, I only gave the second one a chance and found that it was not nearly as good, which is why I haven’t been interested in seeing the last two. They just don’t harness the delicacy of balance between the story and the deaths that the first one did. These sequels seemed to only have been made purely to up the ante as far as the character deaths are concerned.

The acting in the film was decent, nothing award winning, but I think that they pulled their characters off as well as to be expected, the exception being Sean William Scott’s exclamations right before he literally lost his head. As creepy as the whole you can’t cheat death concept is concerned, the creepiest part of this entire film is how they repeatedly used John Denver as a death omen with his song, Rocky Mountain High.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: American Psycho

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Director: Marcus Nispel

Screenplay: Damian Shannon and Mark Swift

Starring: Jared Padalecki, Danielle Panabaker, Amanda Righetti, Travis Van Winkle, Aaron Yoo, and Derek Mears

Clay Miller is searching for his lost sister. She disappeared after a camping trip near Crystal Lake and has since been presumed dead. Clay can’t take that for an answer, and travels to Crystal Lake to find her. Clay meets Jenna and the rest of her friends during his search. Her friends aren’t as warm to Clay or as supportive, but they all find themselves having to work together as they become targeted by a killer, the same killer that may have killed Clay sister.

So this is a remake of the original Friday the 13th, or should I say the first three films of the original series. Before I saw this film I heard the plotline and that there would actually be a Jason. I was confused, because the original was about Jason’s mother losing her marbles and taking her angry out on the camp. I was intrigued to watch it because of this change, and I like Jared Padalecki from his work on Supernatural. Was I completely impressed by the film, not so much. It was okay in a loose emphasis kind of way. I prefer the original. There is another reason why I was interested in watching this. The Halloween remake had come out previously, and I was so impressed by the story’s change in direction that I thought any following remakes would try to take up this mantle. In the case of this movie, that’s a big no. It decides to take the usual slasher flick formula and kill off in the most creative ways the stupid, high and sometimes naked young adults that are in it.

If you’re a fan of the original or of horror flicks in general, I guess you kind of have to see this film if not only for comparison. I watched these films as teen, because that’s what you did at that age. Someone would sneak them into a sleepover, and you tried not to scream so loud to make the parents aware of what you were doing. It was fun to get a good scream and get grossed out, but as I have gotten older, these films don’t hold as much interest to me. I need a better story. Anymore, I’ll watch these films out of principle, like in the case of a remake, or because I like an actor. These types of films would be sitting on a gold mine if they would put just a little more effort in the story. The Halloween remake would never have gotten as much kudos if it didn’t focus on the story a little more. Let that be a lesson slasher flicks.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Final Destination

Genre: Horror

Director: Kyle Newman

Screenplay: Hans Rodionoff

Starring: Kevin Zegers, Kelly Cuoco, Nick Carter, Stacey Keach, and Judge Reinhold

Ian has discovered that he is the descendant of Ichabod Crane, and that the legend of Sleepy Hallow may not be a legend. The headless horseman rides again, but is it real or just a stunt being pulled off by his arrogant classmate. One thing is for sure, people are dying, and Ian has to stop it before he’s next.

This movie is a modern day version of legendary Sleepy Hallow tale, except it’s just not a good one. It misses out on the entire reason of why this legend is so popular, because it is a good story. This is a large hint saying that is what should be the focus. Why focus on the story when you can off people? It is a reasonable argument as long as you make the effects remotely worth watching, not the case here. The acting doesn’t even give this movie any credit.

I feel that I must admit at this point that I do indeed own this film. That would be because I was a huge Backstreet Boys fan and smitten with Nick Carter. Though I still enjoy their music, I have learned my lesson and have quit my swooning ways. I think this was due more to divine intervention as my tail light accidentally got busted by some of their roadies at the last concert I went to. Apparently, I was being told that it was time to move on. Nick Carter may be pretty, but he should really stick to singing. Acting is definitely not his forte. It is now understandable why his film debut as “kid on slippy slide” in Edward Scissorhands remains uncredited.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Friday the 13th

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Director: Patrick Lussier

Screenplay: Zane Smith and Todd Farmer

Starring: Jensen Ackles, Jaime King, and Kerr Smith

After ten years the town of Harmony is still feeling the pain and fear of the Valentine’s Day Massacre. When his father died, Tom was forced to return to place where Harry Warden almost killed him, a place he had left behind him ten years ago including the love of his life, Sarah. Harmony seems to be full of surprises for Tom. His former girlfriend is now married and has a child. She is also married to old classmate, AxeI. Not only is Axel still a jerk to Tom, but now he’s the sheriff. The biggest surprise of them all is that Harry Warden doesn’t seem to be dead anymore, and he’s picked up right where he left off.

This is a typical slasher flick, following the rules to a tee. It really doesn’t matter what happens in this type of film as long as there are elaborate and gory methods of killing off characters and at least one poor girl is naked for no good reason at all. These films are not exactly concerned with the story or acting, period. I should also point out that this film was indeed a remake, which means the gore and nakedness has to be tripled.

This film had some awkward and uncomfortable death scenes in it, for me at least. I think I’m starting to mature, who knew? I am very aware that a movie is fake, but if I’m cringing over the gore, then that means it’s pretty graphic. They definitely stepped up the gore in this film compared to the original. The fact the film was in 3D helped the gore and effects out tremendously. 3D has become the new fad right now, but this film was one of the first horror films of the current fad to get the treatment. I fully feel that the 3D does actually make the movie more watchable. As far as up-ing the nudity, it graduated from what I like to refer to as “the unnecessary boob shot” that all eighties horror movies loved to use, to a graphic sex scene to the poor girl running around naked until she meets her inevitable death. I know a lot of my guy friends would argue with me and tell me that there is no such thing as unnecessary nudity, but throughout that entire scene all I could think was, “Why is she naked?” and “Why’d they have to kill the midget?” The untimely death of any midget is upsetting enough.

So, why is this film in my top ten list if I’m rating it so low and why in the hell do I own it? There is a simple answer to this question, an answer so good, that there is no need for further explanation other than two words. That answer would be: Jensen Ackles.

I give this film 2 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Hollow

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: Fran Rubel Kuzui

Screenplay: Joss Whedon

Starring: Kristy Swanson, Luke Perry, Donald Sutherland, Rutger Hauer, David Arquette, Paul Reubens, and Hilary Swank

Buffy is a typical high school cheerleader from southern California. Her main interests are the latest fashion, boys, and the upcoming school dance. This all changes when she is approached by a man who tells her that she is chosen, chosen to slay vampires. How is a girl supposed to balance fighting the dark forces of the undead and be the head cheerleader?

Yes, this movie isn’t exactly award winning, but to a girl who was eight, this was a gem. I was too young to know any better at the time, but this was quotable gold for my friends and me. I even remember us singing “How funky is your chicken” in the lunch line. As an adult, it is still entertaining but more in a sentimental way. I’m sure this probably made most of its profit from devoted Luke Perry fans at the time, but now I’m sure there has been a revival of purchases since its television version debuted.

Ah, the television show. A true fan of the show and Joss Whedon could not complete their collection without this film. Please, also let it be known, that Joss Whedon is not to be blamed for the movie. If he had his way originally, the movie would have reflected the show. Apparently the studio found it preposterous that a teenage cheerleader could fight vampires and be taken seriously as such, hence the campy movie. Who am I to complain about the state of the movie, because if they had let Joss Whedon have full reign, there may have been no following television series. That is something that I never want to comprehend. That show literally changed my life. It taught me that girls can kick ass and not just Xena, and most importantly, that I want to write. If there was no show, I may have been an investment banker now. *shivers.* Sooo, so not me.

Oddly, the first actors I think of concerning this movie are Hilary Swank, Donald Sutherland, and Paul Reubens. Hilary Swanks character is unbelievably annoying in this film, but hey this was her first real movie. If she hadn’t of taken this job we may have never seen her award winning performance in Boys Don’t Cry. Donald Sutherland has to be mentioned, because he is a badass. And finally, Paul Reubens. What’s more fun than seeing Pee-Wee Herman act not so Pee-Wee Herman? Plus, bonus points for a fabulous death scene. Finally, I must make small references to Ben Affleck who can be seen playing basketball and to Seth Green, who’s scenes were cut from the original film but can be seen as a vampire on the back cover of the film jacket. He sure showed us that resurrection is always a possibility in the buffyverse since he went on to play a leading and beloved member of the television cast for a couple of seasons.

Sorry Kristy, but Sarah will always be Buffy to me.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery

Director: Richard Kelly

Screenplay: Richard Kelly

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jena Malone, Drew Berrymore, Noah Wylie, and Patrick Swayze

Donnie has always been a troubled individual, but one night a mysterious being tells him that world will end and is given the exact date and time. Ironically, because he was with this mysterious being, he was saved from jet engine falling into his room. Both odd occurrences intrigue him rather than disturb him. The only normalcy he seems to experience is a budding romance with the new girl in school. The mysterious being continues to pop up randomly and tell him facts and instructions, but where exactly is it all leading towards and how is everything connected?

Okay, this film is not obviously an automatic choice for Halloween. I chose it because it is weird, has a Halloween party, and is one of the best films I have ever seen. It is an amazing story that applies the best use of foreshadowing I’ve ever seen in a movie. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen this film, but every time I do, I find a new clue that leads to the conclusion. Not to mention, it also has one of the most amazing film montages. There is a bonus perk for me that this film takes place in the Eighties. That being said, the soundtrack is phenomenal because of that fact, but sadly no true soundtrack was ever released. The only one out there is made up of mostly score and of course the wonderful remake of the Tears for Fears song, “Mad World.” If this film was never made, then that version of the song probably would never have been existed. That’s sad enough on its own.

I would normally talk about the acting in this film, but as great as it was, no one really stands out in this film. The actors are all on equal ground with their characters, yet another reason why this film was so good. That being said, I do believe that this was the film that really set Jake Gyllenhaal’s career going. We were all introduced to his fantastic acting ability in October Sky, so his skill in this film was of no surprise.

There is just a beautiful harmony about this film, which is a rare feat for a movie to accomplish. I admit that the film may not be for you if you not into science-fiction. The shortest and loosest description of what this film is about is time travel. That may be a little hard to swallow at times. This is also the type of film that you have to pay attention to. If you can’t commit that to it, then you will not get any enjoyment out of it. Because of these elements, it was no surprise that this became a cult hit, and shocking that it did not originally go to the theaters first. I will contest that I have only seen the original. I have been told iffy things about the director’s cut and especially the sequel. I will eventually give both a chance.

NOTE: One final thing. DO NOT READ the back cover of the movie jacket. The fact that someone was actually commissioned to write that film synopsis is appalling. The back leads you to believe that you’re in for some crappy horror movie, and is in no way a proper representation of the movie. Please do not let that back sway you from taking a chance on this film.

I give this film 5 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Buffy the Vampire Slayer