Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: Fran Rubel Kuzui

Screenplay: Joss Whedon

Starring: Kristy Swanson, Luke Perry, Donald Sutherland, Rutger Hauer, David Arquette, Paul Reubens, and Hilary Swank

Buffy is a typical high school cheerleader from southern California. Her main interests are the latest fashion, boys, and the upcoming school dance. This all changes when she is approached by a man who tells her that she is chosen, chosen to slay vampires. How is a girl supposed to balance fighting the dark forces of the undead and be the head cheerleader?

Yes, this movie isn’t exactly award winning, but to a girl who was eight, this was a gem. I was too young to know any better at the time, but this was quotable gold for my friends and me. I even remember us singing “How funky is your chicken” in the lunch line. As an adult, it is still entertaining but more in a sentimental way. I’m sure this probably made most of its profit from devoted Luke Perry fans at the time, but now I’m sure there has been a revival of purchases since its television version debuted.

Ah, the television show. A true fan of the show and Joss Whedon could not complete their collection without this film. Please, also let it be known, that Joss Whedon is not to be blamed for the movie. If he had his way originally, the movie would have reflected the show. Apparently the studio found it preposterous that a teenage cheerleader could fight vampires and be taken seriously as such, hence the campy movie. Who am I to complain about the state of the movie, because if they had let Joss Whedon have full reign, there may have been no following television series. That is something that I never want to comprehend. That show literally changed my life. It taught me that girls can kick ass and not just Xena, and most importantly, that I want to write. If there was no show, I may have been an investment banker now. *shivers.* Sooo, so not me.

Oddly, the first actors I think of concerning this movie are Hilary Swank, Donald Sutherland, and Paul Reubens. Hilary Swanks character is unbelievably annoying in this film, but hey this was her first real movie. If she hadn’t of taken this job we may have never seen her award winning performance in Boys Don’t Cry. Donald Sutherland has to be mentioned, because he is a badass. And finally, Paul Reubens. What’s more fun than seeing Pee-Wee Herman act not so Pee-Wee Herman? Plus, bonus points for a fabulous death scene. Finally, I must make small references to Ben Affleck who can be seen playing basketball and to Seth Green, who’s scenes were cut from the original film but can be seen as a vampire on the back cover of the film jacket. He sure showed us that resurrection is always a possibility in the buffyverse since he went on to play a leading and beloved member of the television cast for a couple of seasons.

Sorry Kristy, but Sarah will always be Buffy to me.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: My Bloody Valentine 3-D

Genre: Sci-fi/Mystery

Director: Richard Kelly

Screenplay: Richard Kelly

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Jena Malone, Drew Berrymore, Noah Wylie, and Patrick Swayze

Donnie has always been a troubled individual, but one night a mysterious being tells him that world will end and is given the exact date and time. Ironically, because he was with this mysterious being, he was saved from jet engine falling into his room. Both odd occurrences intrigue him rather than disturb him. The only normalcy he seems to experience is a budding romance with the new girl in school. The mysterious being continues to pop up randomly and tell him facts and instructions, but where exactly is it all leading towards and how is everything connected?

Okay, this film is not obviously an automatic choice for Halloween. I chose it because it is weird, has a Halloween party, and is one of the best films I have ever seen. It is an amazing story that applies the best use of foreshadowing I’ve ever seen in a movie. I can’t even tell you how many times I’ve seen this film, but every time I do, I find a new clue that leads to the conclusion. Not to mention, it also has one of the most amazing film montages. There is a bonus perk for me that this film takes place in the Eighties. That being said, the soundtrack is phenomenal because of that fact, but sadly no true soundtrack was ever released. The only one out there is made up of mostly score and of course the wonderful remake of the Tears for Fears song, “Mad World.” If this film was never made, then that version of the song probably would never have been existed. That’s sad enough on its own.

I would normally talk about the acting in this film, but as great as it was, no one really stands out in this film. The actors are all on equal ground with their characters, yet another reason why this film was so good. That being said, I do believe that this was the film that really set Jake Gyllenhaal’s career going. We were all introduced to his fantastic acting ability in October Sky, so his skill in this film was of no surprise.

There is just a beautiful harmony about this film, which is a rare feat for a movie to accomplish. I admit that the film may not be for you if you not into science-fiction. The shortest and loosest description of what this film is about is time travel. That may be a little hard to swallow at times. This is also the type of film that you have to pay attention to. If you can’t commit that to it, then you will not get any enjoyment out of it. Because of these elements, it was no surprise that this became a cult hit, and shocking that it did not originally go to the theaters first. I will contest that I have only seen the original. I have been told iffy things about the director’s cut and especially the sequel. I will eventually give both a chance.

NOTE: One final thing. DO NOT READ the back cover of the movie jacket. The fact that someone was actually commissioned to write that film synopsis is appalling. The back leads you to believe that you’re in for some crappy horror movie, and is in no way a proper representation of the movie. Please do not let that back sway you from taking a chance on this film.

I give this film 5 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Buffy the Vampire Slayer

I’m still chasing the dream of a job. I got so desperate that I decided to pimp myself out for one on facebook. It didn’t really turn out to be as good as a plan as I had originally thought, hence the whole still unemployed thing. On the brightside, I am off to a job fair for healthcare tomorrow, and just because there is only one job that I’m qualified for, does not mean I will not go in with a frown on my face. I still have dignity. I took a chance and called the temp agency yesterday. Nothing productive yet, but it was a new girl, and I hope to be in contact with her again. The last girl I’ve been working with didn’t exactly seem to care and was extremely over stressed.

I just got over one of the best colds I’ve ever had in my life. Squishy loves his Aunt so much, he decided to share his cold with her. Apparently, my colds have normally been über miserable due to my horrible allergies. I am currently enjoying no allergies, since moving to the try climate Las Vegas. I am told though that I will feel the wrath of allergies again in a few years. I’ve been through it once, I can go through it again. I am just enjoying the vacation.

I experienced my first real culture shock this past Saturday. I joined Emily and Kellan on their trip to the apple orchard, where we planned on getting many fall fun things like apples and pumpkins. I am fully aware that I am living in an entirely different climate, but I misjudged this last Saturday. I thought that I would wear a thin long sleeved t-shirt, thinking that while still warm, it might be too cool to wear short sleeves. Oh, did I mention that it was over 100° at the orchard. I was hot and confused because I was looking at pumpkins, pumpkins that were planted with corn that was ready to be harvested. I was so hot that I immediately chugged apple cider, which is never a good plan, no matter who tells you it is. This was nothing like the field of corn I grew up next to back in Indiana.

It is the Halloween season, so on my film blog I’ve been reviewing films for the season. Not all of the movies are good, but that just allows me to make fun of them. I’m having fun with that, and a bud is helping me out with a few reviews of his own. I can only imagine what fun I’m in for with him. I also busted out the infamous Monster Mash N’ Mix. My Halloween playlist is a highlight of my season.

On a happy side, I’ve been struck by the writing bug. I have shoved away the Jane Austen themed novel aside to the vault of looked over ideas, but every once in awhile they get pulled back out and the dust blown off of them. I’m working on a young adult novel and am taking this one a bit more serious. You can always tell when I’m serious, because I do research, outline, and do character bios. It is amazingly an idea I have been toying with for a few years now, and now have pulled it out of the vault and dusted it off for real business. We’ll just see how long this lasts.

Until next time…..

Genre: Horror

Director: Oren Peli

Screenplay: Oren Peli

Starring: Katie Featherston and Micah Sloat

Micah and Katie have been experiencing strange occurrences in their house. Micah decides to get camera equipment to determine what is actually happening in their house. Neither one is prepared for what they actually find.

This film needs to be immediately compared with The Blair Witch Project. It is the same type of attempt at horror. Let’s use a fake documentary and pretend that it’s real. The only difference between this film and The Blair Witch Project is that this film actually achieved the creep factor. It probably helps that we as an audience have been exposed to such shows as Ghosthunters. This film monopolizes on all things creepy coming from these kinds of shows, plus a little drama. It just brings on the creeps. The acting in my opinion is exceptional. It would really have to be to make it even remotely believable.

I was thoroughly impressed with the film altogether. This is about as creeped out by a film that I have ever been, just based on the film itself. I’ve been creeped out by a creepy child here and there, and I certainly don’t handle snakes well. As far as a movie and its full story line, this was a first. Me saying that at all should be enough grounds for you to know that it’s a good scary movie or at least scary enough for those faint of heart not to mess with it.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Donnie Darko

2008

Director:
Will Gordh

Starring: One of the writers, A girl that was in one episode of Dexter, and no one else you have heard of.

A young girl is sad over her mother’s suicide. She goes to group where she connects with the other early 20’s group member, who happens to be a boy. They quickly jump into a relationship and bond over the loss of their loved ones. They then mysteriously receive packages from an unknown sender. They get video tapes of there now dead loved ones. It is the in window, stalker type that we have come to love in C list horror movies. The movies become more frequent, as do the bad lines and worse acting. The tapes end as they both get taken hostage by the murderer, yes murderer, of their parents. Finding out who the killer is not hard, because there are about 6 characters in the movie. I am saving you the trouble of going to Redbox and getting this and will just let you know, the killer is the girls teacher. Devastated over the loss of his daughter to tonsillitis, yup, he decides to take the lives who ruined his. The two 20somethings parents were both doctors.

In the spirit of the season I give this movie ½ of a bloody hand print.

Hello all. This is Stu presenting the 10 best Horror Movies of all time. This is not my top 10 list, this is the actual top 10. AFI may say different but who wants to watch only movies from 1900-1950.

So I have been watching horror movies for at least three years and I have seen exactly 673 of them(approximately). SPOILER ALERT!!!!! If you haven’t seen these movies, I may ruin them for you. So here they is……

1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I remember the first time I saw this was at a friend’s birthday sleepover. His dad thought it would be fun to yelp randomly throughout the movie. That plus the old man with a fake face hitting someone with a hammer makes this movie. The first movie that really scared me.

2. Saw
It spawned a lot of sequels. The storyline has gone from none to lots, which get worse. The first one is pretty crazy. Puzzles of death are fun.

3. Paranormal Activity
Where did this movie come from? Blair Witch started this kind of awesome, internet based “true” story. (I have not seen the star of this movie in a Steak n’ Shake commercial, though….look it up) The night cameras provided some fun stuff, they kind of killed it with the attempt of a connection to some old dead girl.

4. Event Horizon
This movie used to creep me out in high school. The whole end of the solar system-different dimension-afterlife-good/evil-etc. is a little lame, but to watch someone’s face getting melted while shouting at you in Latin is pretty scary.

5. Silence of Lambs
Hannibal Lector is thought of as one the greatest villains ever, but Jodie Foster in Nell is creepier. Great movie not necessarily a horror movie, but a good thriller. Lots of great lines in this movie, as well. Don’t watch if you are tired, it moves slowly.

6. The Sixth Sense
M. Night jumped on the scene with this movie. The colors, the twist ending is now a standard in his movies. This movie made it hard for people to follow his career. I liked Unbreakable and Signs. The Village was horror-ible (yes, I went there). I saw a rough cut of The Village in a Dollar Theatre and you could actually see boom mics in it. Lady in the Water was not a great movie, but it had some great acting by Paul Giamanti. The Happening started awesome. Go watch the first 10 mins of the movie and turn it off. Make up your own ending and I guarantee you it is better than what was actually on the screen. Plus Marky Mark was horror-ible(again). His whiney questions plus Zooey D. staring at the camera with her big eyes did not help. The Devil was ok. They crammed a lot into 1:23. But anyway, The Sixth Sense is #6 for novelty. Which lead me to the # 7 movie…..

7. Seven
You wish you were this witty. What’s in the booooox??!?

8. Halloween
Please half naked babysitter, run upstairs.

9. The Shining
This movie is soooo long. Creepy kids(this is going to be a theme).

10. It
I scared one of my best friend’s little sister so bad with a creepy clown mask that she still brings it up today. That was ten years ago. Clowns are pretty freaky.

Genre: Horror

Director: Joel Schumacher

Screenplay: Janice Fischer, James Jeremias, and Jeffrey Boam

Starring: Kiefer Sutherland, Jason Patric, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, and Jaime Gertz

Michael and his family moved to make a new start in a small Californian town. Soon Michael becomes entranced with a girl his sees at the beach fair. His attraction to the girl brings something far more deadly for Michael. Vampires. Finding himself turning into one, he and his brother have to find a way to stop his transformation and save the town and their family from vampires.

So maybe it was supposed to scary as well as funny back in 1987, but again special effects were barely in their adolescence at the time. Being as terrible as they are, I feel, adds to the entertainment. I’m sure the bathtub scene was scary in its time, but for my generation it is just gore with a side of ridiculous, which makes us laugh. Maybe we’re desensitized because things only allowed in “R” rated films at the time of this movie is common place on network television now. Doesn’t really say a whole lot for our generation, but, hey, it is the life we know. This is still one of my favorite movies of the Eighties, purely for the entertainment value alone.

How can you not love a film that brought us the true power of the Coreys. This was the first movie they did together. I know it may be hard to conceive, but if this movie had never been made, it is possible none of the famous Corey films would have been made. Shocking, I know. I can hardly contain my emotions as I type. Let us take a moment of silence for the great Corey Haim……….

And we’re back. The acting isn’t remarkably famous in this movie, but that’s not the point of this film. I think that there are still valuable lessons that can be learned from this movie.

1. Just because she’s pretty does not mean you should engage.
2. Red bandanas are not just for Rambo.
3. One must always check their Chinese takeout before actually putting it into
their mouth.
4. Taxidermy, while creepy, can make for one hell of a fun grandpa.
5. And lastly, if you were in need of help for actual vampire termination, do not go
to a comic book store for that help.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Paranormal Activity (This review had to be postponed for a day.)

Genre: Horror/Comedy

Director: Rodman Flender

Screenplay: Terri Hughes and Ron Milbauer

Starring: Devon Sawa, Seth Green, Elden Henson, Jessica Alba, and Vivica A. Fox

Anton has a problem with his hand. It’s been possessed by the devil and is killing everyone he knows. Being a professional stoner, Anton never did much with his life. His lack of ambition made him the perfect candidate for possession. With the help of his undead best friends, he has to figure out a way to stop his hand before it kills the girl of his dreams and, well, everyone else.

The main reason I saw this movie at all was because of Devon Sawa. I had a ridiculously large crush on him during my teen years. Let’s just say, I’ve seen this movie is a lot due to that reason. What I didn’t expect is for the movie to actually be entertaining, if you can stomach and laugh at gore. This is not a hard thing for me, because I am acutely aware of the fact that it is all fake. Put me in front of Discovery Health surgery show, and I turn green and freak. This kind of film you have to take it for what it is, a comedy.

What makes this film entertaining is that it is stupid. The script isn’t something that defies genius. The film pokes fun at itself and makes you laugh. Probably the best scene in the whole film is when Anton decides the best way to keep his hands busy is by knitting. He sits in front of a Rob Zombie video between his two undead friends and knits. The comedy is built on the absurdity of these situations. Do not expect a life changer when watching this movie. It is purely mindless entertainment.

I’ve seen all the actors in this film act better in something else, but they seemed to have fun. Ever since the first time I’ve seen this film, I ask myself the same question. Why in the world was Vivica A. Fox in this movie. She had enough big budget films behind her that this kind of movie should have never perked her interest. I can understand why the others were in it being that they were emerged in the teen movie phenomenon of the time. Still why Vivca A. Fox was still in this film, I will never know.

I give this film 3 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Paranormal Activity

Title: Something Wicked This Way Comes

Genre: Family

Director: Jack Clayton

Screenplay: Ray Bradbury, adapted from his novel

Starring: Jason Robards, Jonathan Price, Diane Ladd, Vidal Peterson, and Shawn Carson

Best friends Will and Jim are entranced by the new circus in town. The circus holds many wonders for children and adults alike. The boys soon discover that there is something sinister about the circus, and it seems that the circus needs more than just money for admission. The circus’s evil plans seem to be spreading throughout the town, and only Will, Jim, and Will’s grandfather can stop it.

Being that special effects were not exactly top notch in 1983, the film had to rely completely on creepy tale that Ray Bradbury had to offer. It relies completely on the theme, “be careful what you wish for.” Everyone has regrets or they think of the “what if.” The problem is that we can’t change who we are or what we turned out to be. The only thing we have some control over is our next step. The story twists your fantasies into your own personal horror. As for the old woman that obsessed over her youth and former beauty. The circus returned both to her, but at the cost of her sight, playing with the theme of “beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” How can the woman be truly beautiful if she cannot see herself? The story forces you to find what you really truly need as opposed to what you want.

I think that the film aptly represented the novel, the main reason being that Ray Bradbury wrote the script himself. The acting from Jonathan Price is something that, at least as a child, severely gave me the creeps. I still think of his character when I see men wearing top hats. As much as it creeped me out as a kid, I love it now. It is possible to scare a child with this movie, but I think it is still family friendly. You really need to judge it by the child. If the child is easily frightened, I would encourage not having them watch this.

I give this film 4 Buttery Kernals.

Coming Soon: Idle Hands